


my love, my life

by kissbaeks



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Byun Baekhyun-centric, M/M, Minor Character Death, Mpreg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-26
Updated: 2020-03-26
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:34:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22841833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kissbaeks/pseuds/kissbaeks
Summary: after losing his fiance and raising his baby alone, baekhyun meets chanyeol and things begin to change.
Relationships: Byun Baekhyun/Park Chanyeol
Comments: 6
Kudos: 120





	my love, my life

they’ve both been up since four in the morning, one crying and the other trying to put a stop to the tears. baekhyun doesn’t understand why his newborn won’t stop crying. he’s changed sooyeon’s diaper, checked her for a fever, and tried to feed her. she’d absolutely refused to latch on, smacking his soft chest with her tiny hand. she’s so tiny, tinier than most of the babies that had been born that day. that’s what kyungsoo had said, at least, when the nurse took him and jongin to see their friend’s newborn baby. it would make sense that jongin would want to see her— after all, she’s the last link to his best friend, sehun, baekhyun’s late fiancé. sehun died before he could even see his daughter for the first time and baekhyun… baekhyun just misses him. sehun’s life had ended just after he’d gotten off work for the night, when a drunk driver had hit his car so badly that he hadn’t stood a chance at surviving. baekhyun thought he’d lost all hope, but he’d been seven months pregnant at the time and sooyeon was the only thing that kept him going. it was jongdae holding his hand when he gave birth instead of sehun, while minseok hovered by his husband and murmured reassurances to their friend. he’d quickly gotten used to life with a very fussy baby and no sehun. he didn’t have much of a choice. 

she won’t stop crying. it’s been three hours now and she just won’t stop. baekhyun’s tried  _ everything _ . he might be weeping along with her, resting his cheek against the top of her tiny head and trying to hold back his sobs when she presses her tiny cheek against his chest and wails at the top of her tiny lungs. 

“baby,” he whimpers, “sooyeon, baby girl, please stop crying… stop crying for mommy, please?”

the baby doesn’t listen, of course. she continues to cry. baekhyun sighs, rubbing her back gently. 

“you’ll wake the neighbors, sooyeon-ah. they’ll be mad at mommy… please stop crying? you need your rest, baby girl…”

a knock on his door startles him away from his thoughts. he cradles her close to his chest, rushing to answer the door. he doesn’t open it much, just in case. a tall man who’s got to be his age or maybe older is standing in front of the door, looking a bit awkward. 

“i’m so sorry,” he says, blushing slightly. “i didn’t mean to bother you, but your baby hasn’t stopped crying and it’s been  _ three hours _ . i thought you might want some help.”

“oh,” baekhyun sighs, pressing a kiss to the top of his daughter’s head. “i’m so sorry if she’s been bothering you… she just won’t stop crying and i… i have no idea what i’m supposed to do.”

“uh… would it be alright if i tried to calm her down?”

“i— with all due respect, i don’t.. know you. like, at all. you could be a murderer!”

“i swear i’m not… my name’s chanyeol, i live next door.” he mumbles. “and my sister said i’m really good with babies so i figured i could try to help you out.”

“are you sure you won’t murder me?” baekhyun asks softly, holding his crying baby closer to his chest. “i wouldn’t want a murderer to hold my daughter… or kill me.”

“i’m not a murderer!” chanyeol cries, huffing. “i’m an interior designer. i don’t kill people, i just… decorate their homes and shit like that.”

“hey! you can’t say that word…” baekhyun scolds. 

“sorry, sorry— so are you gonna let me help you or not?” 

“fine, come in…” he opens the door further, stepping back to allow chanyeol to come in. he watches as the other looks around, noticing how chanyeol looks a little disappointed to see how bare baekhyun’s apartment is. “i know, it’s pretty empty. my fiancé and i… we moved in about three months before sooyeon was born and i’ve just never had the time to spruce it up.”

“well, what about your fiancé?” chanyeol asks softly. “does he not have any time either?”

“no,” baekhyun answers quietly. “he, um.. he’s no longer with us.”

“oh—” chanyeol’s eyes go wide. “i’m so sorry, i didn’t realize.”

“don’t apologize. it’s fine.” he sighs softly, patting the baby’s back.

“oh,” says chanyeol, his eyes still wide. “wait. your fiancé… he’s the tall one with the strong brows, right?”

“he was,” he nods. “did you ever talk to him?”

“a few times, yeah,” the taller man scratches the back of his neck like he’s nervous. “when you guys first moved in… i ran into him a few times. we talked.”

“here, um— will you hold her?” baekhyun asks, settling the baby into chanyeol’s arms when the other nods quickly. “i just… i need to go change...”

he changes hurriedly once he’s closed the bedroom door, eager to get back to his neighbor and ask if he and sehun talked about anything interesting. the question is right on the tip of his tongue as he walks back to where he left chanyeol, but it dies when he sees the tall man holding his daughter. he left them alone for mere minutes, and yet chanyeol has sooyeon fast asleep, cradled gently against his chest. the look on his face is almost indescribable— he’s gazing down at the baby like she’s the most precious thing in his life. baekhyun’s heart melts, just a tiny bit. 

“i dunno what was wrong, baekhyun,” chanyeol murmurs, keeping his voice soft so he won’t wake the baby. “she fell asleep almost as soon as you handed her over.”

“are you magic?” baekhyun’s lower lip trembles. he’s trying so hard not to cry. chanyeol’s like a superhero in his eyes right now, or an angel who has come to save him.

“i’m not magic,” chanyeol replies. “actually, i think… i hope i’m not overstepping my boundaries here, but i think it’s you, baekhyun. i think you’re too stressed out and she can tell. maybe you need a day off… and some time away from here.”

“i can’t just… take time off and get away, chanyeol.” baekhyun sighs softly, reaching up to brush away the tears rolling down his cheeks. “with sehun gone, i can’t just  _ leave  _ sooyeon. all of my friends work full time and i wouldn’t want to bother them with this…”

“i’ll look after her.” the taller man says quietly. “if you’ll let me.”

“maybe i don’t want time off,” baekhyun whimpers. “being a parent is a full time job! and.. and i’m dedicated.”

“you shouldn’t have to do this alone, though. you need time away from this apartment, right?” chanyeol raises an eyebrow. “and you need a friend who can help out… i’d like to be that for you, if that’s okay. you need someone who’s close by, just in case, and i’m just next door.”

it seems rather sudden to baekhyun. he hardly knows chanyeol, but the taller man already seems to have a way with sooyeon. despite baekhyun’s voice rising in volume, she hasn’t woken up. and chanyeol’s right, he needs someone who will be there when he needs help. his friends had all said that he could call them if he needed help, but baekhyun feels bad since they’re all so busy. he hardly leaves his apartment these days and when he does, it’s only to go grocery shopping. grocery shopping is always done quickly out of fear that sooyeon will throw a fit and start crying because there’s too much noise for her tiny ears to handle. 

“i don’t like leaving her,” he says softly, carefully taking the baby back from chanyeol. “she’s too little for me to leave her with someone else.”

“i understand,” chanyeol replies, sighing. it’s not a sad sigh, but a thoughtful one. “just know that i’m willing and able to help you. we might not know each other very well, but i’m close enough that if something happens, i can get here quickly.”

“thank you, chanyeol, really.” baekhyun cradles his little one close, gently petting her soft hair. “i’ll let you know.”

chanyeol nods, letting himself out and leaving baekhyun with only the baby and his thoughts. he keeps remembering bits and pieces of the last two months of his pregnancy— the funeral, where everyone gave him pitying looks and touched his growing belly without asking. how he’d gone home to find his best friend from university, taeyeon, cooking so he wouldn’t have to lift a finger. she’d stayed with him for two weeks, holding him when he broke down and stroking his hair as he sobbed into her soft sweaters. his last doctor’s appointment, jongdae’s warm hands on his shoulders as he struggled to bring his baby into the world, how his two closest friends had surrounded him and held him when he cried and cried because she looked so much like sehun. he’d cried when he’d seen the blank spot on her birth certificate where sehun’s name should have been. he held her for the first time after the nurse cleaned her, trying not to cry because he knew she would too. they’ve had so many sleepless nights lately, sooyeon just doesn’t want to sleep if mommy isn’t holding her— but she won’t quiet down when he is. 

he tries skin on skin contact with her, holding her against his bare chest before dressing her for bed, but it doesn’t work. he feels like he could cry, but he knows he has a way to figure this out. he scoops up sooyeon, tucking her head against his neck and carrying her out the door with him. he knocks on his neighbor’s door, hoping chanyeol will be quick to answer. he is, his face lighting up when he sees sooyeon in baekhyun’s arms. 

“hey, baekhyun,” he says softly, opening the door wide enough to let them in. “is she having trouble getting to sleep?”

“yes,” baekhyun sighs, stroking her tiny head. “i tried skin on skin contact but it didn’t work… can you try, please?”

“skin on skin?” chanyeol raises an eyebrow. this isn’t his child— he’s not sure what he can and can’t do. 

“ _ anything _ ,” baekhyun whimpers, practically swaying where he stands. 

“okay, okay. why don’t you sit down and rest for a bit? you look awfully tired.”

he sits, watching in a daze as chanyeol takes his shirt off, carefully taking his daughter’s onesie off until she’s just in her diaper. chanyeol cradles her against his chest, murmuring soft reassurances to the baby. miraculously, sooyeon’s cries begin to quiet. baekhyun sighs in relief. 

“i think she likes your smell, chanyeol,” he mumbles, carefully folding chanyeol’s flannel shirt. “she’s so calm around you.”

“why don’t you take that shirt with you? maybe if she sleeps with it, she won’t cry so much.”

“i’ll try it…” baekhyun sighs, a shaky sob escaping him all of a sudden. “god, i’m sorry, i just… things are so  _ hard _ without him.”

“being a single parent isn’t easy, baekhyun,” chanyeol says softly, kissing sooyeon’s forehead before handing her back to baekhyun and helping him dress her. “it’s hard, especially when you feel like you can’t ask for help. but you’re not alone, i promise. i’m here whenever you guys need me.” 

chanyeol, ever the gentleman, walks baekhyun to his door, giving him a tight, warm hug before saying goodnight. sooyeon stays asleep the whole time, clutching at chanyeol’s shirt. baekhyun is able to sleep easily that night. however, another problem arises. he has almost nothing in his fridge and pantry, and he’s been losing weight too fast. sooyeon’s cries are easily quieted when baekhyun wraps her up with chanyeol’s flannel shirt. the baby happily sucks her thumb as he walks to the grocery store, dragging a small cart along with him. sooyeon ends up falling asleep by the time he gets there, sleeping soundly as he picks out everything he might need. 

“well, good morning.” baekhyun turns, and there’s chanyeol, looking refreshed and well rested. despite being able to sleep, baekhyun knows he looks like shit. 

“morning,” he says, gently petting sooyeon’s hair. she coos in her sleep, her little hand clutching his shirt. 

“how’d you sleep last night?”

“better than usual. you’re a lifesaver, honestly. now i just need to gain back all the weight i’ve lost.”

“aren’t you supposed to lose weight after having a baby?” chanyeol asks, falling into place beside baekhyun, walking with him. 

“yes, but i’ve lost more than i gained while i was pregnant. now i’ve got to gain some of it back.” he replies, patting sooyeon’s back when she whines. she’s probably hungry, but he can’t pop a tiddy out and breastfeed her right now— he’d much rather finish his shopping and feed her in the comfort of the apartment. 

“oh, okay. need any help?” 

“yeah, do you wanna hold her? it’s hard to shop and try to hold a baby at the same time.”

chanyeol takes the whiny baby, cradling his favorite girl against his broad chest. she lets out a tiny squeak, grabbing onto him. 

“good morning,” chanyeol coos, stroking her tiny cheek. “i suppose you slept well, hm? did you finally let your mama sleep?”

“a little bit,” baekhyun says, peering over at the baby. she looks happy, all snuggled against chanyeol’s chest. “i feel better than i did yesterday.” 

“good. i’m sure things are looking up!”

they are, until baekhyun falls in love with chanyeol. at first, he won’t let himself think of the tall man that way— chanyeol is a good friend and nothing more. but when he sees him with sooyeon, his heart melts. it thumps around in his chest and he feels like it’ll burst out of him. even his friends have noticed how mushy he’s gotten. 

“baekhyun? earth to baekhyun?” jongdae snaps his fingers in baekhyun’s face. “are you in there?”

“what?” he blinks, snapping back to the present moment. 

“are you thinking about that chanyeol guy?”

“what…” baekhyun’s face feels like it’s on fire. “no.” 

“are you sure? your face is so red! you like him, don’t you?”

it’s only been a few months since chanyeol started helping him out with sooyeon. she was with him now, so baekhyun could see jongdae and minseok for once. 

“no, i don’t. i can’t, jongdae. it’s too soon.”

“shut up. she was six months old when you met him. she’s almost a year old now, baekhyun. you know it’s okay to fall in love, right? look,” jongdae sighs, taking his friend’s hand and holding it gently. “i know you’re still mourning sehun, but he wouldn’t want you moping because you’re in love again. he would want you to be happy, baekhyun! so tell your man how you feel!” 

“minseok, your husband’s harassing me,” baekhyun whines, pouting over at minseok, who just rolls his eyes. 

“well,” he says, leaning forward slightly. “my silly husband is  _ right _ , baekhyun. it’s okay to mourn, but if you love chanyeol, you should tell him. sehun wouldn’t want you and sooyeon to be alone forever.”

“sooyeon needs him too, baek,” jongdae mumbles. “he’s been spending nights in your apartment even though he lives next door just to be close to you both in case anything happens. i think he likes you too, not just your baby.”

“i… okay. okay,” baekhyun says shakily, his lower lip trembling. “i just… what will his parents think? sehun’s parents. they… what if they hate me? i was supposed to marry their son— i gave birth to his child, for god’s sake— what will they think of me?”

“this isn’t about what they think, sweetheart,” minseok says gently, patting his friend’s hand. “this is about you being happy. it’s what sehun would want.”

“i’m just— i’m so  _ scared _ ,” baekhyun sobs, pulling his hand away and hugging himself. “what if something bad happens to him too? i can’t… i  _ can’t  _ go through this again, i can’t do it!”

“you need to talk to him. tell him how you feel… seduce him with your sexy smile and those cute mom jeans you like to wear!” 

“don’t do that.” minseok swats at jongdae’s arm. “talk to him, tell him how you feel about him. let him know that you appreciate him.”

baekhyun goes home, quietly letting himself in and shutting the door. chanyeol is asleep on the couch, with sooyeon sleeping on his chest. he smiles softly, kneeling down beside the couch and stroking chanyeol’s hair. 

“you don’t know how thankful i am for you, angel,” he whispers. “i’m really glad i met you.”

he gets up before chanyeol can wake, hurrying to his bedroom. he decides he’s going to take a nap too. he’s caught off guard when he wakes up to find chanyeol half asleep beside him, wondering why on earth he ended up there. 

“chanyeol…?” he’s so groggy. 

“god, i’m sorry,” chanyeol groans. “i put sooyeon down for a nap and i was going to tell you but i didn’t wanna wake you. i didn’t mean to fall asleep again.”

“it’s fine… i need to talk to you in private anyways.”

“oh?”

“yeah, i…” he sighs softly, laying down again and closing his eyes. “chanyeol, i can’t really beat around the bush here. i… i have feelings for you. i’m in love with you.”

“uh…” chanyeol sits up, placing his palm over baekhyun’s forehead. “are you serious? i need to know if you’re trying to fool around with me.”

“i’m not… and i don’t have a fever. i’m not delirious.”

“are you sure, baek?” 

“i’m sure, chanyeol. you… you make me feel the way sehun did.”

“am i just a replacement, then?”

“no! god, no, chanyeol…” baekhyun sighs, running a hand through his hair. “i’m just saying that… that you make me feel all fuzzy and warm on the inside.”

“i don’t… know what to say,” chanyeol mumbles. “i should go. i’ll give you some time to think. see you tomorrow, okay?” 

baekhyun just nods, watching him go. maybe he shouldn’t have listened to minseok and jongdae. maybe he should have ignored his feelings— it was bold of him to assume that chanyeol even liked him. for all he knows, the man just pities him. sooyeon sleeps for a few hours, waking up and crying loudly when she realizes that her best friend is gone and only her mother is back. baekhyun rushes to her, scooping her up carefully and holding chanyeol’s flannel out to her. she grabs at it with her tiny hands, resting her chubby cheek against her mother’s chest. 

“i know, baby,” he murmurs, rubbing her back. “i miss him too, but he’ll be back tomorrow. baby… hush, sooyeon-ah… are you hungry, sweetie?”

he takes a seat in the overstuffed loveseat he’d moved into the baby’s room, quickly unbuttoning his shirt and letting her latch on. her cries quiet down immediately. he sighs softly, rubbing her back. things are always easier when chanyeol is with them, maybe that’s why baekhyun could fall in love with him so easily. he pats her back when she’s done, changing her diaper before he puts her back in her crib so she can go to bed. it’s not late, but she’s a baby and she’ll wake up soon enough to be fed again. 

“sleep well, baby,” he whispers, kissing her cheek and tucking her in carefully. she whines, reaching out to grab at his finger with her tiny hand. baekhyun melts a little. “goodnight, sooyeon-ah.”

chanyeol knocks on his door early in the morning, looking exhausted and frazzled. baekhyun, on the other hand, finally feels well-rested. sooyeon’s still sleeping, safely tucked into her crib. 

“chanyeol,” baekhyun murmurs, opening the door wide enough to let the taller man in. “are you okay?” 

“just tired,” chanyeol mumbles, following baekhyun inside. “i was up late.”

“what for?”

“i was thinking,” he says. “i was thinking about what you said, baek.”

“oh.” baekhyun glances down, his cheeks going hot. 

“i just… first of all, i want to apologize for the way i reacted, baekhyun. i shouldn’t have accused you of considering me a replacement for sehun. i know you and i know you would never do something like that,” chanyeol says. “and i want you to know… that i feel the same way.”

“sit down, chanyeol.” baekhyun whines, pushing chanyeol to the couch. “let’s talk about how you feel about me after you’ve had a nap, alright? you look so tired, angel.”

“i.. okay.” chanyeol nods, letting baekhyun push him until he’s sitting. “thanks, baekhyun…”

“don’t mention it. you’ve been taking care of me and sooyeon for the last few months, so it’s time for me to return the favor. speaking of… she’s gonna wake up soon, so i’m gonna go check on her, okay? you just rest.”

he hurries to sooyeon’s room, finding the baby awake. knowing she’ll cry soon, he scoops her up and cradles her against his chest. he kisses the top of her head, gently rocking her. 

“do you want chanyeollie’s scent again?” he asks, stroking her cheek. “i’ll wear the shirt today, baby.” 

he lays her down in her crib again, picking up the discarded flannel shirt and quickly putting it on over what he slept in before picking her up again. 

“there. all better?” he watches her snuggle closer to him, her tiny hand grabbing at the shirt. “let’s go see your man.” 

chanyeol’s fast asleep on the couch when he returns to the living room, so he settles down with sooyeon on the loveseat. she makes cute little noises, rubbing her tiny cheek against his chest. she’s so soft and sleepy, thankfully quiet so chanyeol can continue to sleep. 

“chanyeollie is sleeping, baby,” he tells his daughter, stroking the short, fluffy hair on top of her head. “he’s sleeping. he’ll wake up soon and hold you.”

chanyeol wakes soon after, holding sooyeon and smiling all sleepily and baekhyun can just feel his heart melting. chanyeol’s smile is so beautiful and gentle, he’s sunshine as a person. baekhyun wants to keep the man all to himself, he just can’t help it. so he lets chanyeol give him a kiss on the cheek before he leaves for the day, so baekhyun can try to find himself a job. he only wants chanyeol to watch his daughter, maybe because chanyeol’s career allows him to work wherever if he needs to. he leaves with the promise of a date as well. 

five years later, they’re married. they’d been dating for three and a half years when baekhyun shyly approached the topic, trying to be casual and failing. chanyeol had agreed almost immediately— which he’s still so glad for. they’d gotten married in secret, going to the courthouse and signing the necessary documents that proclaimed them to be legally married. only chanyeol’s sister knew, and she’d only found out because he’d let it slip when asking her if she’d look after sooyeon. now, they’ve just welcomed a new addition to their little family. sooyeon is old enough for school, which will make raising a baby a little easier. she hadn’t been happy when she learned of the impending arrival of a new sibling, but as baekhyun’s pregnancy had progressed, she warmed to the idea of being a big sister. they have another little girl, named hyunji. most of their friends were shocked that they had her two years after getting married and not right away. compared to his first pregnancy, the second one was a piece of cake. it went by shockingly fast. labor was hard, but she’s tiny and perfect. just as sooyeon was to baekhyun, when he was nearly alone in the world and they only had each other. he’s come far since she came into his life. sooyeon was the only thing that kept him from breaking down and giving up on life and he’s so glad she managed to bring chanyeol to him. his first baby might be growing up now, but she’ll always be his little girl. 

“is she asleep?” he asks softly, settling down beside his husband. he rests his head against chanyeol’s bicep, sighing and taking a peek at the baby. 

“i hope so,” chanyeol answers. he looks exhausted, but happy. his baby calming skills have come in handy, but hyunji’s like sooyeon was— except she needs to be surrounded by baekhyun’s scent instead of chanyeol’s. “she’s gonna wake up soon, though. it’s nearly feeding time.”

“well, let her sleep until then,” he reaches over, gently taking the baby from his lover. “and relax, okay? you look so tired, yeol.”

“i  _ am _ tired,” he mumbles. “i literally don’t understand how you did this by yourself before i barged in and started helping out with sooyeon.”

“i don’t either,” baekhyun says lovingly, cradling his newborn close to his soft chest. “i don’t really think i was managing very well, but i really didn’t have a choice. it was either struggle or let her suffer and i wasn’t going to let my baby suffer just because i didn’t know what i was doing. i couldn’t let my own exhaustion get in the way of raising her.”

“you amaze me,” chanyeol presses a kiss to baekhyun’s cheek, resting his cheek against his husband’s shoulder. “you’re an amazing mother, baek. trust me on that.” 

“chanyeollie, stop being so sappy. you know i’m emotional.”

“i’m just telling you what i think.”

“go see if sooyeon is awake yet, yeol. school made her so sleepy so i let her have a little nap when we got home.”

he’s tired too— maybe they all need to just sleep for a while. he sighs softly, pressing a gentle kiss to hyunji’s tiny cheek. she’s fast asleep, so he gets up and puts her back in her crib. she coos softly, which brings a smile to his face. the entire household is exhausted— especially chanyeol. he’s cut back on work dramatically since baekhyun gave birth to their second daughter, taking more time to spend with his husband and children. baekhyun wants to go back to his job as soon as his maternity leave is up, so chanyeol will stay home with the girls.

“you know we could always get someone to watch the girls if you wanna go back to working, yeol.” baekhyun brings it up when they’re getting ready for bed, his voice muffled as he pulls one of chanyeol’s shirts over his head. “i know you miss it, honey bun… you’ve redecorated the living room three times and i heard you talking to yoora about remodeling the bathroom. we don’t need to do that…”

“i know, i know… i do miss it, but i don’t trust anyone else with them, baek.” chanyeol sighs, flopping down on the bed and propping himself up to stare at baekhyun. “i feel like if i don’t watch them, everything will go to shit.”

“channie, it’ll be fine. sooyeon is literally going to be in school five days a week. i still have time off, too. my leave won’t be over for a few months.” baekhyun settled down on the bed, draping himself over chanyeol. “and hyunji can go anywhere with you. it’s easy to calm her down. it’ll be fine, really…”

“maybe i don’t wanna do it full time just yet,” chanyeol says, trying to roll over without disturbing his husband and failing. “i like only working with one client at a time instead of a few, you know? it’s much easier and i can spend more time on it.”

“i get it, yeollie,” baekhyun lifted himself off of chanyeol, settling next to him and kissing him softly. “if you wanna be a stay at home dad, that’s fine by me.”

“stay at home  _ working  _ dad, baekhyunnie.”

“my bad, yeol.” baekhyun murmurs, reaching over to tuck a chunk of chanyeol’s hair behind his pointy ear. his hair has gotten longer since they’re so busy with work and life and their kids, and to baekhyun, he looks like a handsome elf prince. he sighs softly, leaning over to kiss chanyeol slowly, sensually, until their lips are bright red and swollen. “you’re so pretty, you know that? so pretty, chanyeollie.”

“look who’s talking,” chanyeol replies, placing his hands on baekhyun’s cheeks and squishing them gently, kissing his cute little nose. “god, you’ve gotten so soft. when i first met you, i thought you might have been one of those aloof, cold, bad boy types, but i think motherhood has made you all soft and squishy. not that it’s a bad thing.”

“a bad boy? oh my god,” baekhyun giggles, brushing his husband’s bangs back and planting a kiss on his forehead. “i’ve never been bad, yeollie. i’ve always been soft and squishy. i guess you wouldn’t know that, though. you didn’t know me before i had a baby.”

“no, i believe you,” chanyeol murmurs, wrapping his arms around baekhyun’s waist and laying them down. he kisses baekhyun’s plump cheeks, grinning when the smaller giggles and kissing his lips, too. “god, i’m so in love with you. i’ve gotten so lucky in life, baek. i’m lucky i met you.”

“let’s… go to sleep now.” baekhyun knows that if they stay on the topic of how they met, sehun’s name will be mentioned, and even though he loves chanyeol, thinking about sehun still hurts.

“ah— i’m sorry, love, i didn’t mean to…”

“it’s fine, yeol. i’m just tired and i know you are too… we’ll be up soon, anyways.”

“okay… goodnight, baek. i love you.”

“i love you too, chanyeollie.” baekhyun says, snuggling up to his husband and hugging him tight. he can’t even sleep if he isn’t cuddling with chanyeol, not anymore. before hyunji was born, he might have been able to, but now he just can’t. they even check on her together when she starts to cry at night. part of him knows he shouldn’t be so clingy, but he can’t help it— he wants to cling and spend as much time with chanyeol because he doesn’t know when chanyeol might be taken from him. it gets to a point where chanyeol is trying to pry baekhyun off of him so he can leave to meet with friends or visit his family on his own. baekhyun hates feeling this way, but he’s scared that chanyeol might leave to go see a friend or family member and never come back— especially when he’s driving long distances. 

“baek, listen,” chanyeol sighs softly, running a hand through his hair. baekhyun is seated next to him, clinging to his arm. “i love you and i love it when you cling to me, it’s adorable, but i think it’s getting out of hand. you have to be able to let me go, sweetheart. i have things to do outside of the house and i need to do them alone… i know you get scared, but i’m never gonna leave you, honey.”

“but what if you leave and something happens to you?” baekhyun pouts, mushing his cheek against chanyeol’s bicep. “what if you  _ die _ ?” 

“i’m not going to die.” chanyeol says gently, kissing baekhyun’s forehead. “and it’s totally okay if you don’t want to start right away, but i think you should see someone about this, baekhyunnie. did you ever go to therapy after sehun’s death?”

“i…” baekhyun bites his lip, slowly letting go of chanyeol’s arm and scooting away from him. it’s like he’s folding in on himself. “no, i… i never had the time, yeol. sooyeon was too little and i wouldn’t have been able to get through a session without her waking up… and i didn’t have anyone to watch her.”

“god, i should’ve brought this up earlier,” chanyeol replies, tugging at the ends of his hair. “what about after you started trusting me to look after her when you needed to get things done? did you ever think about it?”

“well… sometimes,” baekhyun confesses, chewing his lip. “jongdae… he kept telling me i should, but i never really… got around to it?”

“baekhyunnie,” he says softly, wrapping his arms around baekhyun’s smaller form, hugging him close. “i think you should start seeing a therapist… you need to process your loss, sweetheart. i don’t think you ever let yourself process anything and you need to. you can’t keep living like this, baek. you can’t cry and whine every time i need to leave the house, you know? you can’t live in fear of me never making it back. that’s no way to live, my love.”

“i… i know,” baekhyun mumbles, sighing softly. “but it’s… chanyeol, i’m scared. i’ve gotten so  _ good _ at pushing that down. i don’t know if i’m ready for it to come back up.”

“it’s gonna come up at some point, baby,” he says gently. “you might as well get it over with. just think about it, okay? you don’t need to make any decisions right now.”

baekhyun begins therapy a few weeks later. sooyeon’s at school when he has his first appointment, but chanyeol and hyunji go with him for the first session. baekhyun’s therapist is nice enough, but he sort of intimidates him because he’s already scared. there’s a lot to work through and he’s scared. he knows chanyeol will support him through it, but the idea of the work he has ahead of him is already making him tired. he’s quiet on the way home, just thinking about it.

“so…?” chanyeol breaks the silence awkwardly, and baekhyun sighs.

“what?” he asks, rolling his eyes. he isn’t in the mood to talk about this again.

“do you have any thoughts about what you just did?”

“yeah, i do. i think it’ll be fine but i’m really tired right now and i don’t wanna talk about it.” he mutters, huffing. “and just so you know, i don’t have to tell you anything that i talk about with that man, chanyeollie. did you know that? everything i say is confidential.”

“but you will tell me if you feel like it, right?” baekhyun isn’t looking at his husband, he misses the flash of hurt that comes across chanyeol’s face. “you don’t need to be so mean, baek. i’m just trying to communicate with you.”

“well i don’t wanna talk right now.” baekhyun huffs. “i’m tired.”

“don’t be like this,” chanyeol sighs. “you know you can be open with me, baek…”

“i don’t  _ want  _ to, chanyeol!” baekhyun snaps, crossing his arms over his chest. “i don’t wanna tell you every little thing once i start this stupid therapy and i don’t have to tell you either!”

“well.” chanyeol’s voice is colder, less emotional. “alright, then.”

baekhyun takes care of getting the baby inside when they get home, feeding her and changing her before putting her down for a nap. he’s exhausted, so he decides to take one as well… but as he tries to fall asleep, all he can think about is how he was so mean to chanyeol. he whimpers softly, reaching over to grab chanyeol’s pillow and hug it to his chest. he should just get up and go apologize, but he can’t, not when he’s about to cry. he can’t help it, he knows he hurt chanyeol and knowing he caused his husband that pain makes him sad and he can’t stop crying once he’s started. he cries into chanyeol’s pillow, quietly, sniffling every so often until the tears stop. then he gets up, shrugs on a sweater, and goes to find his husband. he finds chanyeol in the kitchen with sooyeon, who he must’ve picked up from school while baekhyun was with the baby. carefully, he hugs chanyeol from behind, resting his cheek against chanyeol’s back.

“i’m sorry, yeollie,” he whimpers, closing his eyes. “i shouldn’t have been so mean.”

“sooyeon-ah,” chanyeol says gently, relaxing slightly as baekhyun’s arms tighten around his waist. “why don’t you go draw a pretty picture for mommy?”

the pair watch her scamper to her room, chanyeol sighing softly as soon as she’s gone. he stays still for a while, just letting baekhyun hug him and sniffle.

“enough with the sad face,” he mumbles once he’s turned around, cupping baekhyun’s tear-stained cheeks and kissing his forehead. the smaller looks pitiful, all sad with red, puffy eyes. “you’ve got snot dripping out of your nose, baekhyunnie.”

“ew,” baekhyun whines, wiping his nose with his sleeve. “disgusting.”

“poor baby,” chanyeol coos, wiping the tears off of baekhyun’s cheeks. 

“chanyeol,” baekhyun says, hugging his husband tightly. “i’m really sorry for snapping at you in the car. i don’t know what came over me, i know you just wanted to help…”

“i know, baekhyunnie.” chanyeol pats baekhyun gently, still wanting to make fun of him for crying so much. “next time, don’t be so mean, okay? i’m only trying to help because i know this is a really stressful time for you.”

over the next few months, with the help of chanyeol and a therapist, baekhyun begins to get better. he knows it’ll always hurt a bit, hearing sehun’s name and thinking of what could have been, but it won’t hurt so badly. he’s so much happier now and he feels like he’ll be a better partner for chanyeol and a better mother to sooyeon and hyunji. he’s finally happy, finally  _ content  _ in life, and he doesn’t think he could ever find anything better than this. 

**Author's Note:**

> it took me way too long to finish this,, please let me know what you think


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